The terrible horrible very bad day

Saturday was a bad day. I was sick and my reserves were really low and I snapped and acted very badly. Liz wanted to hang out and watch a movie with a couple friends and I said no. I was sick and miserable and didn't want anyone but her in the house. She did what she always does when things are arbitrary and called me on it. Most days I see her point and will reconsider but Saturday I couldn't, wouldn't didn't. I held my position and she would not back down and battle ensued. I retreated into my room and she followed me and neither one of us would give in. And then there was the explosion. I started physically pushing her out of my room screaming at her, threatening her. I totally lost it. It's been a long time since that's happened. Of course it doesn't solve anything with my sweet stubborn girl which is why I try so hard not to let things get that far.

She went back outside with her friends and then called over some kids that she knows should not be hanging out at our house because they will cause trouble. When I told her to tell them to leave she refused and said she didn't care what I thought. She spent the whole afternoon hanging out with those kids in our yard. Then she came in saying she was going to move into Jimmy's house. I called my sister for a reality check and then told her if she didn't want to be part of a family anymore then maybe she should do that. She packed up some stuff but didn't leave. By 10pm she finally asked me why I didn't care that she wanted to leave. I told her I did care but I wouldn't stop her. She called both my sister and my best friend and neither one would let her stay with them and told her to work it out with me. Her response to that was that they hated her too.

Sunday she went to church with my mom and called me at 12:30 to pick her up. When I got there she asked if I hated her and kissed me on the cheek. Liz only shows me physical affection under extreme duress so that was some major kissing up for her. We've talked a little and started working things out. We both broke faith with each other and that trust will have to be built back up a little.

THE UNSCHOOLING VIEWPOINT:
How does our unschooling for 2+ years affect how I am process this experience? Well I guess first and foremost is the fact that I am conciously processing it not just reacting to the experience. I see my part in it and how my actions and reactions made everything so much worse. I see it , I feel bad about it and I can apoligize for it but I can move on. The very bad day is not because of unschooling or her being "spoiled" but these things happen. It is how we can recover and move on that is the true indicator of our relationship with each other. We've both caused harm to each other and we both need to participate in healing each other. The bulk of the resposibiltiy is mine as the parent and adult but she is strong enough and smart enough to accept her responsibitiy also. We have agreed to forgive each other and ourselves and move forward. This was just one day in our lives together not our whole life.

Whassup?

It's been forever so I'm going to try and get back in the habit of blogging. Things are getting nice here in the Northeast. The weather is still going back and forth between spring hopefullness and winter drearyness but we're hanging in there. I "think" (knock frantically on wood) the snow is gone for good. You never know though. It is not uncommon here to have accumulation in April and occasionally even May. I have been loving my very non enviornmentally friendly Blazer this year. The peace of mind and freedom it brings me is well worth the guilt and the cost of gas.

Lizzy is having fun taking classes at Think Tank, babysitting and hanging out with her friends. Her sweet 16 was this month and I managed to pull off the perfect day. We went to the beauty parlor for hair cuts, went out for omelettes, meandered around Newbury Comics, picked up her BFF Tyler, went to the registry and she got her permit, she drove for about 10 minutes into Auburn before I started hyperventialating and made her pull over, went to dinner with my sister and nieces for sushi, went to the mall for a strobe light and then she drove home. Oh yea and we picked up an ice cream cake and 4 or 5 people ended up sleeping over. That was not really part of the approved plan but whatever. I even got an "I love you too" at the end of the day. Those are few and far between from my girl so all the more precious. Most of the time I get an "uh huh" either in acknowledgment or with a sarcistic twist depending on her mood. I don't take it personally any more. It's just the way she is. I will tell her I love her because I do and I want her to know it. I don't need her to tell me she loves me or even to love me at all.

I have surprised myself at how well I am doing helping her learn to drive. The first time she went a lot farther that I was expecting and I wasn't prepared. Now I am doing pretty well though giving her instruction and advice and keeping the freaking out to a minimum. She's doing pretty well too. She's able to take my advice and adapt and is also keeping the freaking out to a minimum.

I'm Audrey-who knew?

Your result for Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz...

You Are an Audrey!

You are an Audrey -- "I am at peace"

Audreys are receptive, good-natured, and supportive. They seek union with others and the world around them.

How to Get Along with Me

• * If you want me to do something, how you ask is important. I especially don't like expectations or pressure
• * I like to listen and to be of service, but don't take advantage of this
• * Listen until I finish speaking, even though I meander a bit
• * Give me time to finish things and make decisions. It's OK to nudge me gently and nonjudgmentally
• * Ask me questions to help me get clear
• * Tell me when you like how I look. I'm not averse to flattery
• * Hug me, show physical affection. It opens me up to my feelings
• * I like a good discussion but not a confrontation
• * Let me know you like what I've done or said
• * Laugh with me and share in my enjoyment of life

What I Like About Being an Audrey

• * being nonjudgmental and accepting
• * caring for and being concerned about others
• * being able to relax and have a good time
• * knowing that most people enjoy my company; I'm easy to be around
• * my ability to see many different sides of an issue and to be a good mediator and facilitator
• * my heightened awareness of sensations, aesthetics, and the here and now
• * being able to go with the flow and feel one with the universe

What's Hard About Being an Audrey

• * being judged and misunderstood for being placid and/or indecisive
• * being critical of myself for lacking initiative and discipline
• * being too sensitive to criticism; taking every raised eyebrow and twitch of the mouth personally
• * being confused about what I really want
• * caring too much about what others will think of me
• * not being listened to or taken seriously

Audreys as Children Often

• * feel ignored and that their wants, opinions, and feelings are unimportant
• * tune out a lot, especially when others argue
• * are "good" children: deny anger or keep it to themselves

Audreys as Parents

• * are supportive, kind, and warm
• * are sometimes overly permissive or nondirective

http://www.helloquizzy.com/tests/are-you-a-jackie-or-a-marilyn-or-someone-else-mad-menera-female-icon-quiz">Take Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz at

Off to camp

My mom and I took Lizzy up to Vermont Monday afternoon then to Not Back to School Camp (NBTSC) Tuesday. Monday night we stayed at a hotel with a pool and jacuzzi so Lizzy and I got some good bonding time in before the long separation. We've been apart for a week or two before but camp is tough for me because I can't talk to her for the whole week. This year is easier for us both because we both had a better idea what to expect. Packing was much better and the anxiety level was down for the both of us. It still ain't easy though. On the way home I asked my mom how she could have stood to drop me off at college, drive 12 hours back home and know she wouldn't see me for 3 months. She said lots of my dad reminding her that this was the goal. Raising me to be strong enough to want to leave home. I hope I am so brave when my time comes. I have feeling my Lizzy will want to move farther and faster than I ever dreamed of. As hard as it is to let go I couldn't be prouder of how brave and adventurous she is.

Think Tank Worcester

Yesterday Lizzy and I went to the open house for Think Tank Worcester which is new and offering classes for home schooled teens. The lady who started it with 2 home schooling moms is a science teacher so the are offering lots of science classes. Lizzy wanted to do the creative writing class but it is on Monday nights and she is working then. She got to chat with the guy running the class and he was very cool. He immediately starting talking directly to her which was great. I get frustrated with people always talking to me instead of her. She is taller than me for goodness sakes just ask her what she wants! Anyway writer guy was totally cool and maybe next term we can catch his class at a different time. Instead she decided to take US History. I know the lady teaching it. My sister used to take care of her daughter like 10 years ago and she also used to run a yo-yo school that Liz was involved with 4 or 5 years ago. She is teaching history form a liberal perspective so Liz and I are cool with that. The first thing they are doing is putting Columbus on trial. Sounds fun! So the unschooly girls schedule for the fall is Mondays- work 5-9, Tuesdays- US History, Wednesdays- Saori weaving, Thursdays- Piano + work 7-9:30, Sundays- work 10-12 + Young Neighbors in Action meeting or World of Darkness RPG which she is game master for. Pretty busy schedule.

But first we will take a regularly scheduled break with NOT BACK TO SCHOOL CAMP!!!!!!!!!!

Faith and Religion

Lizzy and I had an interesting talk tonight about faith and religion. It's hard for me to remember sometimes that I don't have to be defensive but just listen to her and hear her. I've been worried by what I see as her very negative and judgmental attitude towards anything Christian lately. Her attitude towards the bible is it is a story book written by people who heard voices in their heads and is an unreliable source to base your life on. While I do not disagree with her on the whole I worry about how vocal she is about it. Most of my concern is because she is joining a group called Young Neighbors in Action through a local Catholic church. My best friend runs the group so she gets Liz. She has no problem with Liz disagreeing or asking questions as long as she is not disrespectful to the other kids. That's where I worry based on some of her most recent ideas. She was able to let me know tonight though that she is cool with people believing whatever they want but she wants to be able to be honest with me about how she feels. OH RIGHT! Light bulb moment. I remember now I'm not raising her to be a nice obedient girl. I'm raising her to be an independent thinker. I almost forgot. So bring it on little heathen child. Do not go gently into that good night. Down with the man! And next time I forget to listen be sure to remind me AGAIN.

Labor Day weekend

We had a mostly good weekend here. Saturday was quiet, Lizzy went to hang with her peeps and I stayed home and did some picking up. Sunday I took Lizzy and her friends to the Spencer Fair for a few hours. I was sent off to fend for myself and wandered around looking at the exhibits. I saw bunnies and cows and chickens. It was pretty good but I was bored after about an hour. But then I happened across a band called Scarlet Fade playing and they were pretty good. Four teen siblings from CT. Their voices were nice and the songs were good. I called Lizzy to come hear them but she was on the Ferris Wheel with my sister. She had already heard them though and liked them too so I picked up their CD. Today my sister and nieces came over and helped Lizzy and Charles and I CLEAN the house as a b-day present for my mom. We threw away everything we could decently get away with whiteout freaking my mom out and went to town. My mom will be surprised and really happy. It was cool everybody helped. Even though Liz said she wasn't going to she ended up staying home to help. The kitchen and bathroom are downright sparkly. Tomorrow I'll finish up the living room and dining room and vacuum. Lots of labor on Labor Day but very satisfying.