How to Screw up Unschooling

"Over at Always Learning there is a really interesting thread going right now. It's titled "How to screw up unschooling" and people are listing things that can hinder unschooling.~Buy only "educational" materials and~Don't change plans midstream are a couple examples. I started to think about it and one of the topics that came to mind is the whole "unparenting" issue. That word is used as a slam against those of us that believe strongly in freedom and respect for children. But I've actually witnessed true "unparenting" in the form of neglect from some that choose unschooling. It's not pretty. We talk so much about freedoms, do we help people understand how unschoolers respectfully say "knock it off" or "that isn't cool" or "I'm not ok with this"? I think that part can get missed at these lists. How do you respect the individual AND other people's (including your own) personal boundaries? How can unschooling get screwed up? How can we create conditions for it to flourish and what kind of behaviors/activities inhibit joyful unschooling?"
Ren
learninginfreedom.com

Something I have always had to work on is paying attention to my own life. I get in trouble with money unless I constantly pay attention to it. I have trouble with food unless I am constantly monitoring it. My home becomes a disaster unless I consistently pay attention to it. My work will suffer when I become distracted from it. Of course my parenting and relationship with Liz is the same. I have a tendency to look for escapism in books & TV & movies. I know if I am not careful my whole life will escape from me. And more importantly Liz's childhood.

The first time I went to a Zen meditation group it was torture to me. To sit and be present with myself for an hour was ridiculously difficult. I talked to the teacher about it and she said just come in for 5 minutes to start. I didn't go back for a long time but Liz and I went last week together for about 20 minutes. I also started reading "Wherever You Go There You Are" and practicing at home. The idea of meditating just for the sake of practicing being present is a new idea for me. Before I thought I should do it to deal with stress or to be a better person. To get something from it. Now I see I need to practice being present in the NOW just because that's what I need and that's enough.

Since starting unschooling I find myself much more present to Liz than I was in the past. We spend more time together, talk more. As she moves out more and more into the world on her own I cherish the moments when she shares her experiences with me. I don't get annoyed any more when she wants to lay in bed with me at night and tell me about her day. I don't tell her it's too late or I'm too tired anymore. This sharing of her life is more important to me than 20 minutes of sleep. I stop what I am doing now and go look when she tells me she found something cool. Washing a dish or reading a book or looking at the TV is not more interesting to me than she is.

This weekend I had a ah ha moment when I realized that there were times that I held myself back from Liz. I was stingy with my time and my resources and even with my affection. I knew I couldn't ever give her "enough" so I withheld myself from her. I used her need for attention as a weapon against her. The realization hit me like a ton of bricks and made me cry. I can only touch around the edges of this feeling because I may drown in them if I get too far out of my depth. After I had my little cry and feel the pain for a moment I remind myself of what I heard so many times at the conference. "When you know better, you do better." So now I am doing better. I still get annoyed but Liz can tell the difference now that even though I may not want to do something I still will do it for her. To be mindful and to love unconditionally have new meaning for me now.

I don't know how much this really addresses Rens' question but it is what has been in my heart lately and what I wanted to share.