The terrible horrible very bad day

Saturday was a bad day. I was sick and my reserves were really low and I snapped and acted very badly. Liz wanted to hang out and watch a movie with a couple friends and I said no. I was sick and miserable and didn't want anyone but her in the house. She did what she always does when things are arbitrary and called me on it. Most days I see her point and will reconsider but Saturday I couldn't, wouldn't didn't. I held my position and she would not back down and battle ensued. I retreated into my room and she followed me and neither one of us would give in. And then there was the explosion. I started physically pushing her out of my room screaming at her, threatening her. I totally lost it. It's been a long time since that's happened. Of course it doesn't solve anything with my sweet stubborn girl which is why I try so hard not to let things get that far.

She went back outside with her friends and then called over some kids that she knows should not be hanging out at our house because they will cause trouble. When I told her to tell them to leave she refused and said she didn't care what I thought. She spent the whole afternoon hanging out with those kids in our yard. Then she came in saying she was going to move into Jimmy's house. I called my sister for a reality check and then told her if she didn't want to be part of a family anymore then maybe she should do that. She packed up some stuff but didn't leave. By 10pm she finally asked me why I didn't care that she wanted to leave. I told her I did care but I wouldn't stop her. She called both my sister and my best friend and neither one would let her stay with them and told her to work it out with me. Her response to that was that they hated her too.

Sunday she went to church with my mom and called me at 12:30 to pick her up. When I got there she asked if I hated her and kissed me on the cheek. Liz only shows me physical affection under extreme duress so that was some major kissing up for her. We've talked a little and started working things out. We both broke faith with each other and that trust will have to be built back up a little.

THE UNSCHOOLING VIEWPOINT:
How does our unschooling for 2+ years affect how I am process this experience? Well I guess first and foremost is the fact that I am conciously processing it not just reacting to the experience. I see my part in it and how my actions and reactions made everything so much worse. I see it , I feel bad about it and I can apoligize for it but I can move on. The very bad day is not because of unschooling or her being "spoiled" but these things happen. It is how we can recover and move on that is the true indicator of our relationship with each other. We've both caused harm to each other and we both need to participate in healing each other. The bulk of the resposibiltiy is mine as the parent and adult but she is strong enough and smart enough to accept her responsibitiy also. We have agreed to forgive each other and ourselves and move forward. This was just one day in our lives together not our whole life.

Whassup?

It's been forever so I'm going to try and get back in the habit of blogging. Things are getting nice here in the Northeast. The weather is still going back and forth between spring hopefullness and winter drearyness but we're hanging in there. I "think" (knock frantically on wood) the snow is gone for good. You never know though. It is not uncommon here to have accumulation in April and occasionally even May. I have been loving my very non enviornmentally friendly Blazer this year. The peace of mind and freedom it brings me is well worth the guilt and the cost of gas.

Lizzy is having fun taking classes at Think Tank, babysitting and hanging out with her friends. Her sweet 16 was this month and I managed to pull off the perfect day. We went to the beauty parlor for hair cuts, went out for omelettes, meandered around Newbury Comics, picked up her BFF Tyler, went to the registry and she got her permit, she drove for about 10 minutes into Auburn before I started hyperventialating and made her pull over, went to dinner with my sister and nieces for sushi, went to the mall for a strobe light and then she drove home. Oh yea and we picked up an ice cream cake and 4 or 5 people ended up sleeping over. That was not really part of the approved plan but whatever. I even got an "I love you too" at the end of the day. Those are few and far between from my girl so all the more precious. Most of the time I get an "uh huh" either in acknowledgment or with a sarcistic twist depending on her mood. I don't take it personally any more. It's just the way she is. I will tell her I love her because I do and I want her to know it. I don't need her to tell me she loves me or even to love me at all.

I have surprised myself at how well I am doing helping her learn to drive. The first time she went a lot farther that I was expecting and I wasn't prepared. Now I am doing pretty well though giving her instruction and advice and keeping the freaking out to a minimum. She's doing pretty well too. She's able to take my advice and adapt and is also keeping the freaking out to a minimum.