How to Screw up Unschooling

"Over at Always Learning there is a really interesting thread going right now. It's titled "How to screw up unschooling" and people are listing things that can hinder unschooling.~Buy only "educational" materials and~Don't change plans midstream are a couple examples. I started to think about it and one of the topics that came to mind is the whole "unparenting" issue. That word is used as a slam against those of us that believe strongly in freedom and respect for children. But I've actually witnessed true "unparenting" in the form of neglect from some that choose unschooling. It's not pretty. We talk so much about freedoms, do we help people understand how unschoolers respectfully say "knock it off" or "that isn't cool" or "I'm not ok with this"? I think that part can get missed at these lists. How do you respect the individual AND other people's (including your own) personal boundaries? How can unschooling get screwed up? How can we create conditions for it to flourish and what kind of behaviors/activities inhibit joyful unschooling?"
Ren
learninginfreedom.com

Something I have always had to work on is paying attention to my own life. I get in trouble with money unless I constantly pay attention to it. I have trouble with food unless I am constantly monitoring it. My home becomes a disaster unless I consistently pay attention to it. My work will suffer when I become distracted from it. Of course my parenting and relationship with Liz is the same. I have a tendency to look for escapism in books & TV & movies. I know if I am not careful my whole life will escape from me. And more importantly Liz's childhood.

The first time I went to a Zen meditation group it was torture to me. To sit and be present with myself for an hour was ridiculously difficult. I talked to the teacher about it and she said just come in for 5 minutes to start. I didn't go back for a long time but Liz and I went last week together for about 20 minutes. I also started reading "Wherever You Go There You Are" and practicing at home. The idea of meditating just for the sake of practicing being present is a new idea for me. Before I thought I should do it to deal with stress or to be a better person. To get something from it. Now I see I need to practice being present in the NOW just because that's what I need and that's enough.

Since starting unschooling I find myself much more present to Liz than I was in the past. We spend more time together, talk more. As she moves out more and more into the world on her own I cherish the moments when she shares her experiences with me. I don't get annoyed any more when she wants to lay in bed with me at night and tell me about her day. I don't tell her it's too late or I'm too tired anymore. This sharing of her life is more important to me than 20 minutes of sleep. I stop what I am doing now and go look when she tells me she found something cool. Washing a dish or reading a book or looking at the TV is not more interesting to me than she is.

This weekend I had a ah ha moment when I realized that there were times that I held myself back from Liz. I was stingy with my time and my resources and even with my affection. I knew I couldn't ever give her "enough" so I withheld myself from her. I used her need for attention as a weapon against her. The realization hit me like a ton of bricks and made me cry. I can only touch around the edges of this feeling because I may drown in them if I get too far out of my depth. After I had my little cry and feel the pain for a moment I remind myself of what I heard so many times at the conference. "When you know better, you do better." So now I am doing better. I still get annoyed but Liz can tell the difference now that even though I may not want to do something I still will do it for her. To be mindful and to love unconditionally have new meaning for me now.

I don't know how much this really addresses Rens' question but it is what has been in my heart lately and what I wanted to share.

Harry Potter rocks it again

Liz and I are HUGE Harry Potter fans. My mom read the first and second book at the recommendation of her friend Harriet. She gave them to me to read and I have been hooked ever since. I think Liz was in second or third grade when I started reading them to her. We spent the whole school year reading the four books that were out at the time. She wrote every book report she could get away with about a Harry Potter book. The biggest reason being that Liz didn't read. She loved for me to read to her and to listen to books on tape but she did not have any desire or interest in reading herself. She complained of headaches so I took her to get glasses last year. Still no reading. I knew she could read. According to the testing done while we were still fighting the school system she actually had college level reading skills.

I am a reader. I love books and I love to read. Letting go of Liz being a reader was hard for me. My mom and sister and I all all readers. My oldest niece is a reader. I have read to Liz since she would sit still long enough. I had every Dr Seuss book memorized. When she was 5 or 6 I started reading chapter books to her. I started with Stuart Little and went from there. I read to her every night and we both loved it. I would read to her until I was hoarse or she fell asleep whichever came first. She loved books and stories but she would not read and it broke my heart.

When we started unschooling I heard so many stories of kids who didn't read in school who would discover a passion and start reading like mad. So I waited.....and waited.....and waited. in the meantime I read everything I could about unschooling. I read books and I read posts on groups and I read blogs. And I thought about why I value reading as a means of entertainment and new ideas and often escape. Liz complained about me hiding in my room to read and that I didn't pay attention to her. She was jealous of my reading. So I stopped for awhile. I sat with her while she watched TV and played on the computer. We went places together and talked and explored this new life we were creating for ourselves. I left her alone to think and rest. I started to value what she was doing not for it's "educational" value but because she liked it. I was de-schooling because I needed it so much more than she did.

It's been a year and a half since Liz left school. She finished Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire yesterday. All 734 pages of it. She's been reading here and there for awhile and I hadn't really noticed it that much. She doesn't like library books because they smell funny but she likes to sit in the bookstore and read. She's been picking up books that we have at the house and reading them. I think The Teenage Liberation Handbook was the first book she actually read the whole way through but she didn't tell me about it until later when we were talking about something else.

My daughter is a reader. She communicates through IM and texting constantly. She reads for information and now she reads for pleasure. It makes me happy but I don't own it. I didn't "make" her a reader with my good parenting or fabulous talent. It doesn't make her a better daughter or a more interesting person. I don't love her more. She is reading more and I am reading less. I still read for pleasure but I am working very hard on not reading to escape. I am trying to make sure Liz knows she is not less important to me or less interesting than a book. There will be plenty of years in my life left to read. I only have a few more years with my girl before she grows up. Now if I could only give up reality TV.

Visit to Annie's book swap

In the car on the way to Lizzy's friends house we were chatting about this and that and were talking about the Monday night at the church this week. It is a discussion about the works of Thoreau. I mentioned I'd like to read Thoreau but never have. As huge a reader as I am I shy away from the "classics". Most likely one of my school issues. I love books and reading but the whole "what did the author mean by that" crap is totally boring to me. Unless the author want to let me know what they meant how should I know if the teachers opinion means anything. Liz was also interested in Thoreau so off I went to the used book store. I got Walden, a book of Robert Frost poems, 2 auto biographies Katherine Hepburn & Ellen DeGeneres and The Four Agreements. Some for me some for her and hopefully some will intersect. Oh and a totally cute Monarch butterfly book mark. That's for me!

A little HTML anyone?

Last night Lizzy was working on her my space page. She changes it a lot. Although I am no longer her "friend" because it's just not cool she likes to show me when she works on it. After she showed me the page I was looking over her shoulder while she was working on it and saw all the code in it. I asked her how she did that and she said she had learned it because it made her page look nicer. I really have no understanding of HTML at all and it is beyond amazing to me that she is picking up something so completely foreign to me. I've heard other people say their kids are learning HTML and I think "Wow that's so cool". Lizzy keeps telling my how smart and cool she is. Sometimes I just forget she's right : )

Cashing in on some good Karma

Yea! I had a new bed to sleep in last night. My box spring caved in months ago and I have been sleeping on an ever increasing slant since. Monday I was talking to our Occupational Therapist at work and she was talking about her boyfriend moving in with her last weekend. They both had pretty new mattresses but he didn't like hers becasue it was too firm. She asked if I new anyone who needed a new matress.

Ooo, oooo, me, me, me!!!

She didn't even want anything for it and her boyfriend drives a big bread truck so they brought it over. The only downside was the slight embarassment that they saw all the crap under my bed. I had to work late yesterday and didn't have time to get it cleaned out. A happy back is definitely worth a little embarrassment though. My chiropractor will be so proud : )